On Wednesday Chris and I would’ve been married for 15 years. I guess it would be our golden anniversary, but I don’t really care about that stuff. This is also the time of reliving and remembering: diagnosis, procedures, hospitalization, decisions, death. What a terrible whirlwind it was. I’ve read back through this blog some, to […]
When Chris broke off our engagement and told me he didn’t actually love me (click bait!), an older woman stopped me in the stairwell at work and said, “The loss you’re experiencing right now is no different than losing a child.” I instinctively knew she was wrong. But I knew what she was trying to […]
Sunday we sang “Jesus, I Come” during the Eucharist, and I couldn’t stop crying. I’m quietabout crying, but the tears stream, and usually in church I’m holding one or two kids in my lap and often blocked from wiping my face and neck. At a certain point in the song, I felt a hand rest […]
Sometimes I wonder if Ash Wednesday is my favorite day of the church calendar. Is that sacrilege? Theologically, I guess Christmas and Easter are my favorite? But experientially, it’s Ash Wednesday. I almost skipped this year. Ash Wednesday was also Mary’s birthday, and I couldn’t see how to fit in a service. But then I […]
Here is what Time has done: yahoo! mail Dear chris, We noticed that you haven’t signed in to your mailbox cscherf1@yahoo.com in a while. If you would like to continue receiving emails in this account, please visit Yahoo Mail and log in by April 23, 2022. If you do not log back in, this account will stop receiving email messages […]
The cemetery unlocks me. Maybe it’s because I’m alone there, and alone in such an open space. There are trees, there is earth, there is sky. Sometimes in a moment of anguish in a day, I imagine throwing myself on the ground or collapsing into the next friend I see or walking into Gordon’s office, […]
August 8th marked the one year anniversary of Chris’s initial cancer diagnosis in Chicago. August 26th is engrained in my mind as the day of his first (of several) biopsies. I remember that day–or at least things about that day–vividly. We were hopeful. Energetic, even. Ready to start something concrete. Al was parked in the […]
We put a bag of baby carrots on the table tonight with our pizza, in your honor. Even Ruthie ate one, saying, “I don’t like baby carrots, but this is for Daddy.” I got the kids a puppy(!!). Jesse’s been asking, “Do you think Dada would like Tucker?” I say to him, “Well…I think if […]
Shortly after Chris died, I received a note from our oncologist. It was dated 12/25, a detail that didn’t escape me–he sat down to write me on Christmas Day. His words are touching and kind. He wrote that it had been a privilege to serve us those four months. He wrote that Chris would stay […]
The seven-year-old daughter of some dear friends, when told to hold someone’s hand while walking through a parking lot, said: If it’s so easy to DIE, why aren’t there dead bodies everywhere? She and I could commiserate. I find that as I watch life around me, I’m stunned by how many people aren’t dead. How […]
My dear friend Ashley had a vision just days after Chris was diagnosed. She kept it to herself until it became very clear that Chris was leaving this world. She described the vision as like watching a movie on her bedroom ceiling. She saw our family, with Chris, running down a long dock, but then, […]
I have so many thoughts I want to flesh out in writing–some feel like mountains to scale, some like pebbles to point out. But there’s a weight I’ve carried since Chris died, and I think Holy Week is as good a time as any–maybe the best time–to articulate more about this difficult burden: the experience […]
I want to make a record of a few images I’ve had since Chris died. They feel significant and, sometimes, like the only thing I can grab on to. Over the course of each night, three of the kids make their way to my bed. Sometimes I wake up when I feel a little body […]
“Babe? Will you come in here?” Chris was sitting in the middle of the couch in his office. His right arm stretched out along the back of the couch, and he was reclined somewhat against the back cushion, his swollen belly giving him little flexibility. “I’m having shortness of breath. It was worse when I […]
Tomorrow I fly to Chicago for a memorial service for Chris at our old church, Church of the Resurrection. I’m dreading leaving the kids–pray for their hearts, please, and mine–but I have a deep sense that this will be an important step in the grieving process. Not only did Chris and I attend Church of […]
I cannot tell you how grief will look tomorrow, or even how it will look tonight as I go to sleep. All I can do is describe how it has been. And here’s something that has stood out to me: the times of my deepest joy in the last few weeks have brought simultaneously the […]
As I type Jesse is reading a comic book while spinning in our swivel chair, Ruthie is doing a math work sheet at the dining room table, and Andrew and Mary and chasing each other through the length of the house, tagging each other, screaming, laughing hard. Earlier this evening friends filled our house–my mom, […]
The Saturday before Chris died I made the decision to make him DNR. I had been thinking it over since getting to the ICU a few days earlier. When I unexpectedly ended up spending the night away from him on Friday, I had woken up in the night and realized that if something happened while […]
For those of you who are unable to attend the funeral service (10:00 a.m. CST) and time of remembering (2:00 p.m. CST) for Chris, you can join us via livestream. Both services will livestream here. To follow along, you can find the order of service here. Thank you all for joining us in person or […]
Funeral for CHRISTOPHER DAVID SCHERF Thursday, December 17th, 2020 at 10:00 a.m. Christ the King Anglican Church 2250 Blue Ridge Blvd. Hoover, AL The service will be immediately followed by a brief graveside liturgy at Forest Hill Cemetery. Please also join us for a time of sharing about how awesome Chris is back at the […]